#24 – ... To Bits

You.

The following audio recording is a classified documentation for case H 57 with the enclosure. Unauthorized access to this information will lead to immediate intervention progress further if proper clearance has been given.

This episode contains discussion of mental health, gaslighting ableism manipulation, psychiatric malpractice, and ace phobia. This episode's transcript link is in the description below. Listener discretion is advised.

Hello, Jared. It's so good to finally have you back here. We were starting to get quite worried.

About yeah, um sorry about ghosting y'all. I guess I was just really going through it.

I can imagine. It isn't like you to not show up for work or for your appointments. You've always been so good at that. Should we discuss what you were going through?

Well, just a lot of introspection, mostly.

A real lack of feet on the floor.

Sorry.

It's fine. Our bodies often curl on itself when we're talking about something uncomfortable. So, as you were saying right.

Where was I?

Introspection lacking.

Oh, yeah. Just a real lack of self. I guess I've always felt a little bit different from other folks. I struggle to connect with people in my daily life. My brain's all over the place all the time. I don't feel fulfilled at work. I just feel really lost right now. It's like there's something wrong with me and I can't figure out what.

Many people feel disconnected from those around them. These are very common traits in depression and anxiety, which we've already discussed, considering your work here at the enclosure. You're not the only one here who feels that way. Now, what exactly has you feeling unfulfilled about your work here? We'll start there.

I like the idea of researching the local supernatural entities and occurrences, but sometimes it feels like I'm hunting them.

It's called ghost hunting for a reason, Jared.

Well, I don't really like it. Besides, I'm a cryptozoologist by trade, not a ghost hunter. I like learning about them. But you just I don't know. Sorry. I've just been feeling really unsure about all of this.

All of what?

I don't really have the words right now.

Well, we'll come back to that when you find them. If it's important, you'll figure it out. Are you still journaling? That should help you.

Yeah, a bit. I'm trying new methods. Talking stuff out helps. But I also like writing now and again.

Glad you're trying new things. Branching out helps.

Yeah.

What's on your mind, Jared?

I'm tired.

You and me both.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. Now, let's not deflect the conversation. We're here to help you.

Sorry, I didn't mean to you seemed annoyed.

I just wanted to ask my job is to ask the questions. Your job is to work on yourself. Speaking of, how has the new dosage been working for you?

Fine.

Subject has become more restless, both mentally and physically. Behaving a bit more cautiously than before the sudden vacation. We've also been receiving less audio documentation from them, so I'll need to look into getting access to their physical journal without disrupting that damn dog again. We'll see what the medication adjustment does to help.

And how are you doing with your new little group of?

Uh, good. Holly gave me this haircut recently. Darius and I are planning on going to a picnic when we both have a day.

Ah, that explains the different hairstyle.

Yeah. By the way, your hair looks really nice grown out.

Why, thank you.

A hair change is needed now and then. It's quite refreshing.

Yeah, Holly mentions stuff like that. A sort of control over yourself or something like that.

Holly seems insightful.

I think so. They give me a lot to think about whenever we hang out. I like that about them.

Is there anything in particular that they've had you thinking about recently?

Well, they've been talking about being autistic, which has been nice to learn about. They've also just brought up some different shows I should try out. Let me some graphic novels. I like seeing the art along with the words.

Interesting. Do the pictures help you process the words?

I guess I haven't really thought about it. I just like it.

Well, I'm glad you're taking up new hobbies.

And what about these dates with Darius?

Oh, well, it's usually something simple. He likes to teach me how to cook when we go on walks or watch movies together. Normal couple stuff, I guess.

Okay. Now, a while ago, you mentioned to.

Me about not understanding attraction to people.

Do you still think oh, you.

Yeah. Well, not quite.

And yet you're dating Darius.

Does he know?

I think so. We agreed that our relationship is made of whatever we want it to be.

Well, I only ask because you mentioned normal couple stuff.

But if you don't feel attracted to Darius, then what makes your relationship anything different from, let's say, a best?

He he asked if we wanted to be boyfriends, and I said yes.

Yes.

But why? Why did I say yes yes?

Well, because I like spending time with him. He makes me happy. I don't have memories of any romantic relationships, so I decided I'd I don't know. Give it a shot. See if I liked it. And so far, it's been really nice. Makes me laugh, thoughtful, caring. And whenever we, like, kiss or cuddle or whatever, it's nice. Even if he and I feel differently about things, we both like it.

And you're sure you're not attracted to know it's fine if you are.

Jared, I know it's fine. But I don't typically feel a desire for stuff like that. This isn't something I sought out. It kind of just happened. Physical affection isn't something that I desire in a way that feels romantic. It just feels like something that I like with folks I trust. It's nice to feel loved. And I know he shows love through physical affection, so to me, it means a lot. It's the intention. His romantic feelings make me feel good. And considering that he means so much to me, it all just feels right. He keeps telling me he's happy with me, so.

Well, I think you might be overthinking this a bit, but if.

All this makes you feel better, then who am I to tell you how to identify what's on your mind?

Jared.

I'm sorry. I'm getting a bad headache.

Would you like some water?

I'm feeling nauseous. I should head home before it gets too bad.

If we must dry safely and feel.

Better soon, we'll continue next week. Take care, Jared.

You too.

Subject is further exploring some essence of identity, which is fascinating to consider. Is this a way of assimilating with the people around them? Diving so deep into the communities in town to the point of believing to actually really be part of them? This is very promising. I'll have to sit with Angela and Gia about their recent observations on the matter. I'm proud of our achievements so far. I'm interested to see how the subject behaves next week.

This episode of Jar of Rebuke was written by Casper Oliver. Assistant writers are Jenny O'Sullivan and Mish Ward. Voices were provided by in order of appearance. Nessa R, Mish Ward Casper Oliver and Pixel Tomlin. Our series is distributed by thesperians productions. If you would like to support our grassroots art and activism work, check us out on patreon or our website for our shop and other donation options.