#27 – Cold Sweat

You.

The following audio recording is a classified documentation for case H 57 with the enclosure. Unauthorized access to this information will lead to immediate intervention progress further if proper clearance has been given.

Content warnings this episode contains themes of declining mental health. Audio distortion, barking, shouting, and discussing fantastical violence.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. I don't have anything to say. Whatever. Let's just start from the top. So far, today's been uneventful for the most part. Woke up, let Grove out, had breakfast, went to work. Then I came home. Watched tv, ate food, took Grove on a walk, took a shower, the usual. Now I'm just here in the dark. Work was just me at my desk, organizing old notes on local cryptids and figuring out my next charge, figuring out which ones seem the most dangerous and which are the greater threats, aka which are the cryptids that no one else can safely study.

So I do.

And they wonder why I get tired of it. Miss Zimmer thinks I need to reframe my perspective, and Dr. Damon, on the other hand, assured me that most folks get sick of their work from time to time. But I'm more than just sick of this stuff. Not the research itself. Just another day of being the company's sacrificial lamb, another day of going wherever they send me to physically put myself through whatever hell awaits. Or even worse, I end up encroaching on someone's personal space. And then I'm the asshole, going and prodding with my questions like there's no way what I'm doing is the best way to be doing this, right? I don't think anyone else has a death count more than one. So, like, why do I get the utmost privilege of doing these kinds of missions and then getting part of my damn shoulder bit off by the cryptid who assumes that I'm there to hurt them? Which is fair. The enclosure's reputation is notorious, maybe even with the supernatural, but likely not. They might not have any idea who or what we are organization wise, but it's clear that many of these creatures want to be left alone. Hell, I know I would. When I say anything, I'm just told that it's part of the job or that I'm being too soft or that I'm thinking too much into it all. Jamie says it's cool that I get to be so up close and personal, but I can't tell her that I'm sick of dying all the time. Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. Not because I don't want to be alive. It's just because I'm tired of this being my life, you know what? Do you want to go outside? Is that it? Fine, let's go. What? Grove, how am I supposed to let you out when you're in the way? Can you move, please? Okay. Sorry, I'm just. What do you want? You keep pushing. You want me to sit? All right, guess we're not heading outside. Let's sit down. Come on. Okay. There you go. There you go. For reference. Grove does this thing when I'm overwhelmed. He lays across my lap, forces me to sit and breathe sometimes. Thank you, buddy. You know, I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this body isn't even mine. The only control I have is over my damn hair. I'm tired of the enclosure, but I don't know what I'd do if I left. My medical care, my therapists, my home, caring for Grove. All of that comes from the enclosure. I don't know how I'd afford any of this if I quit. Holly mentioned potentially switching to part time, which is an option, but minimum wage won't cut it. I feel. So, um. Jamie sent what she could find on Dr. Kelder, the guy I learned about a while ago after poking around the local school. His work on the subjugation of cryptids is. Well, it's fucked up. It just furthers the whole enclosure. Treating our subjects as lesser than thing, and I hate it.

What are you doing?

Shit, dude, you scared the bejebus out of me.

You're recording again?

Yeah. Why?

You really think it's a good idea to be sharing everything with them so easily?

Them? No, this is for me. This isn't for them. Really?

Okay, so them being pushy about you making these recordings doesn't sound any alarm bells for you? You remember what happened last time you didn't keep up with your homework, right? The cameras.

They removed the cameras? All of them?

You sure?

I mean, now and then I poke around, but haven't found anything.

No offense, but do you hear what you're saying? You're always talking about how little they respect you and how nosy they are. So what makes you think they respect your privacy at all?

These ones stay with me. I don't even take them to work anymore.

Okay, who gave it to you?

Dr. Damon.

And who keeps pushing you to use it?

Her and Miss Zimmer.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?

I always figured it was so I could process things in a healthy way. I guess it could.

But do you really think that's a concern of theirs.

I don't know, Dax. I have no idea what they want. I don't know what they're thinking. Hell, I don't even know what's going on half the time. I'm just trying to get through the day, okay? Every single day. I'm just trying to get through it. And they're supposed to be helping me. This is supposed to help.

Are they helping? Are they really helping you, Jared? Is this helping?

Don't. I don't know. I don't think so.

Then why are you listening to them? If you don't think they're helping, then you shouldn't be listening.

But what other choice do I have? I was just saying how everything is from them. My income, my house, my therapy, my doctor's appointments. It all comes from the enclosure, and I can't see another therapist, so I just got to make it work.

Why don't they let you see anyone else?

I don't know, Dex. I don't know.

If no one's going to say it, then I will. Nothing about this makes any sense. You get sent out, get killed, come back and track your emotional state. Jared, I don't think this is about the cryptids anymore. When was the last time you went out on a case? Lately. Hell, now that I think about it, how'd you even get this job in the first place?

You know. You know, I don't actually remember.

You and me, we were doing well before they came along. You had another life before you ended up working at the enclosure. Did you forget about that? I know it's a sore spot, and we haven't talked about it much since we reconnected. I didn't want to push you, especially since you were going through all your other stuff, but I can't let you go crawling back to them when they took you away in the first place. I don't trust them, and you shouldn't either. Don't you find it strange that they always know what to ask about and poke and pry into? Doesn't it seem like they try to get a rise out of you sometimes? Or that they openly talk down to you, almost like they want to see what happens?

You. It's me, you, all the field work, the therapy, the recordings. I'm their case. If you're listening to this, whoever is listening to this, this is Dr. Jared hell submitting his immediate resignation from the enclosure. I'm done.

Well, that was unexpected.

Shit. Go get Dr. Castillo on the phone now.

I doubt she'll answer. It's in the middle of the night.

Then keep calling. This is an emergency.

Then you call. If you're so inclined, you call Dr. Castillo.

I'm looking into Dr. Everett's file to see what else she's gotten into.

We cannot have another setback in this case. Tod can't know. Not until we get this figured out.

No one else can know. This stays between us and Castillo for as long as it can.

Gia, I know it's. No. This couldn't wait. It's gone rogue. We need to rein h 47 in now.

This episode of Jar of Rebuke was written by Casper Oliver. Assistant writers were Jason laroc, Jenny O'Sullivan, and Mish Ward. Voices were provided by in order of appearance, Nessa r. Casper Oliver, Jason Larock, Mish Ward, Pixel Tomlin, and Olivia Petchaft. Audio editing is done by Jason Larock. Podcast artwork is by Ashley Kraft. Our series is distributed by thespirians Productions. If you would like to support this indie queer led production team, check us out on patreon or our website for our shop and other donation options.